As a person in her mid-thirties and having found no luck so far in
getting hitched, my friend Chelsea was finding it more and more difficult to
attend the innumerable family get togethers that came her way thanks to the
large family she belonged to (she had fourteen first cousins). What made it
difficult more than the constant reminders she did not need about how she was
not getting any younger or the repeated masked questions regarding her sexual
orientation were their attempts to introduce her to a friend or colleague they
knew. It was difficult to decline as they were quick to take offense and even
worse to choose one to pursue as all her relatives had supposedly the perfect
date for her.
With a cousin’s wedding in two weeks, she was finding it difficult to
RSVP the invitation with a plus 1 or just 1. Seeing her dilemma I was quick to
suggest the best option under the circumstances, to sign up on a popular dating
site and get herself a date for the occasion. If she did land herself a date,
she could get the heat of her relatives off her back, at least for this wedding.
True she would have a lot of questions to answer regarding the way they met,
future of her relationship etc etc. It
was a far better choice than having to choose between the suitors offered by
her relatives.
Now, Chelsea had been out of the dating pool for a while, the job
hazards of an ER doctor was to blame mostly. As her roommate and best friend I
decided to help her set up the profile on the dating website. Her profile read:
A semi-attractive female doctor in her thirties looking for a suitable
partner in his thirties of any ethnic background. She wasn’t being very
particular as she just wanted a decent date to get through this one event
though she would have actually preferred Batman. In a few days she had twenty
interests and we scanned through them with surgical precision. We finally
zeroed in on a Paul Hesling, 37, Investment Broker, 6 ft 3 inches tall,
plays the guitar and loves to cook. It wasn’t rocket science to see why he
would be the perfect date for Chelsea and if his profile pic was anything to go
by he looked like a young Robert Downey Jr. Over the next few days Chelsea and
Paul chatted online and on the phone for hours and truly satisfied by her
selection, she decided to invite him as her date for the wedding. I was
ecstatic (If he had declined or if she had not ended up finding a date I was to
be her plus one for the wedding and spending an evening with her family was no
mean feat)
So come 25th October, we hear the doorbell and we know behind
that door stands Paul, Chelsea’s date for the evening..the anxiety is high and
the suspense is nerve wrecking…what if the whole profile was a fake one..what
if it’s a Paula vs Paul…what if it’s just the mailman…and couple of paranoid what
ifs later we unbolted the door, our heartbeats having reached an alarming
crescendo. However, unlike most clichéd movie scenes, Paul, as his profile indicated,
is perfect to the T. Chelsea grinned like a Cheshire cat as she was led to the
limo he had rented for the occasion and I gazed on with 90 percent happiness
and 10 percent envy. I could not wait till evening to hear how wonderful, I am
sure, her date went.
Around 10 PM, I heard a taxi outside the door and saw Chelsea get out of
it alone. She stomped inside and crashed onto the couch. I was confused for one
she looked anything but happy and for another “Where was Paul?” I thought I
would wait for Chelsea to calm down but my impatience got the better of me and
I cautiously popped the question, “So how did it go?” The question seemed to
have burst a nerve for Chelsea cast a look that made even the possessed girl
from Exorcist look less terrifying.
“You and your brilliant ideas..what was I thinking..” said Chelsea as
she put her hands up in the air. The date had obviously not gone well and I
would soon learn why.
Apparently everything was going well until they reached the hotel. Paul
was the perfect gentleman and Chelsea wondered how such a charming man could
still be single. They had a pleasant conversation on the way which would
sometimes get interrupted by phone calls from his clients and his office. He
mentioned something about Wall Street and bulls and bears but Chelsea was too
smitten to take notice. But as the journey progressed, Paul seemed to be
getting noticeably worried by the calls. Each time he would reassure Chelsea it
was nothing. It was however certain by the time they reached the venue, things
had changed. Paul was thoroughly distracted by the calls and Chelsea’s attempt
to introduce him to her relatives was failing as Paul seemed to be pinned to
his not one but two cell phones while Chelsea smiled awkwardly. As the wedding
began, Chelsea gently pulled Paul to the seating area and requested him to mute
his cell phones. But that too turned out to be another good intention gone
wrong as there was the intermittent vibrating sound of his mobiles that echoed
throughout the hall causing a whole lot of irritated guests turning around to frown
at the duo. The day could not be more disastrous thought Chelsea but she was
wrong again.
The wedding ceremony had almost reached its climax with the couple exchanging
their vows and just as the minister pronounced them husband and wife, Paul let
out a thunderous “No” and seconds later crashed to the floor.
Paul has had a heart attack and Chelsea gives him emergency CPR while
the minister, the guests and obviously shocked newly wedded couple watch on. The
paramedics soon arrive and take Paul to the ER. At the hospital Chelsea has to
dig up Paul’s details from his purse and cell phones to make contact with his
immediate family. Turns out Paul’s has had three ex-wives, two heart attacks
and is a workaholic who cannot commit, all information Chelsea learnt from the
third-ex wife Sally who fortunately happened to be on his speed dial. Sally was
on a vacation in Hawaii but promised to be at the hospital in a few days.
Sure Chelsea wasn’t expecting a commitment from a first date, all she
wanted was one wedding where she could come and go without comments or
propositions from her relatives. Though she had escaped their obnoxious banter
that night there sure were a lot of high decibel telephonic conversations that
followed in the days after.
For the sake of her sanity, Chelsea has now agreed to go out on a date
with the chiropractor recommended by her aunt Sophia, the zookeeper selected by
her cousin Agatha, the accountant approved by her uncle Charlie and a couple
more. She seems to be booked for all weekends until she gets hitched. God bless
her soul.
As for my punishment (though I could not have for the life of me
foreseen that coming), I am her plus one for the Thanksgiving Dinner at her
parent’s place, the Christmas dinner at her grand uncle’s home and for the next
three occasions whatever or wherever they may be.
As for Paul, Chelsea paid him a courtesy visit at the hospital few days
later only to learn that he had decided to rekindle his relationship with his
third ex-wife. Not that nothing good came out of the incident - the snippet of
the wedding video of the bride and groom shocked out of their wits as a guest
from their wedding screams “NO” just as they are being pronounced husband and
wife, has gone viral and has also been nominated for the Funniest Home Video
Awards of the Millennium.
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